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*satirical horoscopes written for entertainment purposes

Gemini: Halloween is OVER, Move on and STOP scaring
your roommate. Their heart rate is higher than it should
be as it is.

Cancer: Hey Cancer... we need to talk. Reports
have been made that you've been appearing
in everyone's dreams. What are you doing? It's Pisces season. It's not your time.

Virgo: You know how we have another Thanksgiving
schedule on the last Tuesday of the semester? Neither does your professor. Shhh don't tell them! It'll be our little secret!

Libra: If you are a professor reading this horoscope right now,
cancel your class today! Show your support in The Montclarion and give your students a full day to read the paper. As people do! Right?? RIGHT?!?!

Libra: The next couple weeks, take some time to note
which of your neighbors have service animals. Next time there's a fire drill, see if they were able to get their animal who hides from alarms to get out from under the desk and out the door. If they were, BOW DOWN TO THEM THEY JUST WON THE GREAT WAR. Bonus points if it was a cat in a carrier.

Cancer: Plans for Thanksgiving? Watch the Thanksgiving
Day Parade. I know you've been waiting to see SpongeBob escape Macy's and fly away since Felix set the standard in 1927.

Pisces: This week, take some time to look inward and you will find- HA. DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING TO BE A NORMAL HOROSCOPE? Just go buy a clarinet or something idk.

Aquarius: Did you do your professor's job this week and teach the class a lesson? And then get graded for it? And you aren't even an education major? Did you tell your therapist about it? The stars think you should.

Virgo: Virgo, I know you have a habit of getting excited and doing too much too fast, but you don't need another Super Bowl story about you, do you? Just watch the game babes. Go birds?

Pisces: Today's the day. Stand up to your professor who grades attendance. You don't deserve the lower grade for missing class. You only missed because you were emotionally exhausted. And you were only emotionally exhausted because of that professor. And also because you realized you are paying to be emotionally exhausted.

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